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A lot Has Changed in My Life

A lot Has Changed in My Life

I simply completed the process of perusing "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. My age is 47 years old now. Within me I know I am disorganised, and in a mess but on the outside, I try to appear composed and cheerful.

While I have known for quite a while that I have issues with liquor, this book made me go up against them. however strangely support me to acknowledge I am not the only one. My abuse of liquor was not just "hereditary inclination" or me having no self control.....my utilization of liquor to comfort and maintain me originates from many issues throughout my life. Life was too harsh for me, specifically the part of growing up - I was unpopular at my age, my dad was a serial cheater, even my mother had low self esteem issue because she was overweight at that time, I got no one to look after me except myself. My life eventually made me an independent person.


Strangely, I never drank in high school. In any case, I went to college at a prestigious school which prided itself on its academics....and understudies prided themselves on their capacity to party. And so started my way into binge drinking and consequent bad character - beginning from black outs, to dreadful hangovers to unfitting sexual practices.


With a feeling of being obese the only way I knew I could engage in anything sexual with boys under the influence of alcohol was to loosen up by taking alcohol.


When I look back, I remember one day I woke up in a frat house in Montreal, beside me there is this guy totally naked in bed'.. But I felt relieved because I could've been end up in hospital, got badly injured, or worst I could've been pregnant, but I didn't.


With time, I earned a degree and even went further while my love life wasn't left behind. We saw each other often and during such occasions wine was always present while I also got myself a bottle every week.

Time flew, and so did my life; I got married, had two kids and during the months preceding their birth I avoided alcohol. Be that as it may, then as life continued, maturing guardians, ADHD kid, worried, compulsive worker spouse with outrage issues.....wine on ends of the week got to be wine Thursday-Sunday.


My better half got snared on a neighbourhood "mix your-own" so we had cases and instances of wine...and soon a daily custom to split one or two.... Covertly, I started blending my own mixed drinks and keeping the glass covered up in my heating cabinet.

When I return home - and face the family mess, getting dinner, attempting to get ADHD kid to concentrate on homework while prying the other erratic of his iPod.....I can just consider blending that drink....which I continue refilling until in the long run I nod off or go out. In the mornings, what I do first is to go through my I-phone to find out whom I may have accidentally texted while being intoxicated.


But there is more - two years ago I became entangled in a very fierce emotional affair with one of my son's ally's father. The relationship never got intimate (besides a few hugs and staying very close at sporting venues) but if some of you have read about (or witnessed) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and fierce, if not more so then a physical love affair. I was very happy - each time my phone pointed out a message...oh the rush of emotions. On many occasions, we chatted late into the night, at times in the midnight, when we were at work.


I was content at this high point in my life. The affair was getting dangerously near to crossing over the sexual line and he retreated. I was very devastated, it was impacted me really hard and it increasing my drinking habit' I have been grieving the loss at that time.

The cocktails I have been mixed helped me to cope with the pain from the loss I experienced.

I am so embarrassed as view back over my life. The inebriated scenes:

  • I got hammered really hard at a cocktail party last Christmas.
  • Drunk at the golden jubilee celebration of a relative.
  • Fulminating messages on my iPhone
  • Shouting fits in front of my children
  • I threw punches at my husband's face so often
  • Making a tantrum when my child brought his friend to spend the night which basically is a none issue.

I am in counselling which has been an illuminating realisation.....plus reading Ann's book and now finding out this website and reading related stories. I sense like I am heading home.